Guest Advisor: Nookular Fizzix

Dear Jules,

I am a very dull person. I don't mean dull in the same way that Cornhole is dull. I mean that I am so dull that I can be shot up with enough radiation to turn a topaz amber and I don't glow, I don't shine, I don't turn amber. I just look the same. How dull.

They can stick a needle in me that has to be stored inside a lead vault three feet thick and I still am, well, dull. The needle wasn't dull, though, it was quite sharp. The male nurse that was scooting back and forth in my chair so he could take pictures of my neck and leg, neck and leg, neck and leg wasn't dull, if you catch my drift. I guess after all the scooting he knew I was precious and tender and fragile and that he needed to use, in his words, 'a little tiny baby needle' to deposit the heavy metal into my arm.

I know, this is a dull story, but I can't help it. But that is not why I am writing. One not so dull thing is that I think I have a sharp dog. I think he sensed or smelled or something the radiation because he was very sad yesterday and kind of stayed away from me. Instead of the usual routine of waiting until I was settled in bed and then sitting on top of me, he laid on the floor and wimpered a lot. And he didn't put up a fit when I told him he couldn't come with me today because I had to go "get some more bugs offa momma". It will be interesting to see how he reacts to me this afternoon when I get home.

My question to you is, what size lead jacket do you think my mutt wears?

Signed,

Dull, Dizzy Dame

Dear Dud:

Listen, I don't give a SHIT about nookular fiziks. If I cared about that crap I'd go hang out on South Providence and wait for Kinda Sleezy's mushroom cloud.

I can't figure out why in the hell this asshole with the little prick was taking pictures of your neck and your legs. Jeezus Christ on Corn Flakes, the problem is not your neck or your legs--save for the fact that they aren't as smooth or as nice as your best friend's--the problem
is all the little nail-biters living in your head. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you're crazier than a shithouse rat and no one is ever going to talk to you. I could've told you that and saved your fucked-up insurance people a whole lot of trouble. But no, you insist you're normal and think you can fool everyone by purchasing a new glowing personality.

A couple of pieces of advice: first, stay on your real meds. You know the ones. You might even think about doubling your dose. Second, the boy knows and he's on to you. Don't try to lure him back in your bed like you do all the other crazy men out there...he's too smart for that. Third and finally, don't EVER write to me about this bullshit again or I will personally see to it that you're refined and turned into enough uranium to blow up a small, middle-eastern country. Pre-emptively of course.

Suck it up, firefly!

Jules

Guest Advisor: Assinine or Canine??

Dear Jules,

I have this really great dog. He is cute and large and a very good protector. We go for walks about twice a day and he eats me out of house and home. He has an excellent sense of hearing and smell, as most dogs do. My question is, do you think my dog is an asshole?

Signed,

Assinine or Canine??

Dear AC:

Hey, if your mutt can smell a pig ear a mile away, he is definitely an asshole. Just be glad you don't have a pet goat because then you'd have to read My Pet Goat to a bunch of gradeschoolers while the whole world falls down.

Now leave me alone.

Jules

Petless Pal

Dear Blackie:

I really like animals but I can't get a cat because then my best pal won't come see me because she's allergic to feline dander. I can't get a dog because my landlord won't allow dogs. So basically, I think I might have to invest in some tropical fish but fish are gross and some of them
are even assholes. You know, the ones with the teeth and shit? My question is: did you really have a pet rabbit?

Signed,

Petless Pal

Dear Petless,

Yes I have had several pet rabbits. They are wonderful pets. They are very cat-like in that they are curious beings and very independent. They can be trained to use a litterbox.
People who are usually allergic to animals are very seldom allergic to rabbits as they don't produce dander. They are kerpuscular and very cute when they play.

If you want to pursue getting a pet rabbit, I can tell you that the best breed for pet rabbits is a Dutch, that is the black with a white stripe. The alibinos are assholes, they chew and are not friendly. The lop ears are cute also, but they are not as good pets as the Dutch. You have to get the rabbit when it is young and train it. If you are going to keep it in a cage, don't get one, get a chia pet instead. If you are willing to house train it and let it sit on your lap, you will enjoy it as a pet. Some rabbits chew wood--like baseboards-- and some chew electrical cords. You have to provide it with good things to chew on just as you would a puppy who chews. You also have to feed them papaya tablets as they tend to get hairballs. Now go jump down a hole,

Blackie

You don't say

Dear Blackie,

You know what my biggest pet-peeve is? For all intensive purposes, it is people who misuse common sayings. I mean, to some people it may be six of one and a dozen of another, but to me it is very important. Its not that I want to eat cake and bake it too, that is not it. Anymore, you cannot even wake up of a morning and not have some asshole kid saying something stupid. It makes me want to kill a bird with two stones and teach him a lesson. It is like scraping a nail accrosst a chalkboard when I hear somebody running around like a chicken with their neck off. Doesn't that just make you want to take two steps sideways and one step up?

Signed,

Cover Girl

Dear Blackie:

I wore my hair down today. Several people have given me weird looks and
then decided they knew me. Jorgie told me...well...never mind. BFC told
me I was dressed up, save for the jeans. Nik thinks I'm cute. I think I
look like I could be turned upside down and used for a mop.

What do you think?

Signed,

Cover Girl


Dear Medusa,

What do I think? I think I am going to take up smoking just so I can lean
up against something, sigh loudly while blowing the smoke out my face and
say in a very drab, dull, uninterested voice, "Jules is the queen of useless
information".

I think you are lucky that LM isn't following you around with a pair of
scissors threatening to cut off that mop like she did your best friend Imsoanut.

I think that you are just going around LSB with your hair and your dumb look
trying to stir everyone up and you love the attention. I think you are
going to wear everyone out.

I think that you should stop bothering me with your little hair problems
while I am dealing with my own personal nookular hollowcost. Why don't you
come stand next to me and all that hair will just melt off?

I think that you should put your hair back into that militant lesbian look
and quit teasing all the little nerdy boys. Just think of all the laundry
you have caused looking so great.

My question to you is:

Do you think its quiet at the Deaf Institute?

Fuck off,

Blackie

Piercing Pals

Dear Blackie:
Well, it's that pesky DS again. I mean, it's not enough
that she sports the required number of holes for induction in the
sponge family. I think she's sprung a leak or something. I think she
has a huge motherfucking hole in her head because for some reason,
I can't get her to go to lunch with me. I mean, I can barely get her to
LAUGH much less leave the building. She keeps her nose pressed in the
CenturyHel directory and occasionally takes enough of a break to
taste her new jar of Wasabi mustard. Otherwise, she's completely off
limits. Why, I don't even think the disemboweled, virus-ridden, wicked witch
of the first floor even comes to see her anymore. My question is: do
you think she won't go in public with me because of my appearance?
Maybe two grey shirts in one day is just too much.

Signed,

Swiss Fucking Cheese

Dear SFC,

Maybe your pal isn't hungry. Maybe she gets all the
sustenance she needs from her REAL friends who don't
accuse her of being related to SpongeBob. Maybe you intimidate
her. Maybe you should invite her someplace good like that New York
Deli. Maybe she can't laugh because she works for Mary
Poppins. It doesn't matter that you have twenty five years experience
wearing gray shirts, she still doesn't like gray. Its a gray day,
maybe she can't find you because you blend in with the rain and
grayness. Maybe she just doesn't want to feel your grayness all around
her. Maybe she can't eat before her piercing appointment this
afternoon for fear of leakage. Take your pick of reasons, and scram.

Love,

Blackie

Sweaty Pork

Dear Blackie:

Don't you hate it when the nondescript people you work with bring smelly
items to work and heat them up in the microwave rendering the air around
you thick with sweaty pork that has not been cured? Why, I bet someone
around here went to the Ham Fest last weekend and thought they would
bring leftovers in to share. I hate the Ham Fest, I hate pork and I hate
everyone.

Please help.

Signed,

Prattling Pork-hater

Dear Pork Hater:

You are right, pork prducts have a half-life of twenty seven
years. That is why we want you to take the time to sign our
anti-pork petition. If we get enough names, we can outlaw the use
of pork products in the workplace. Pudgy pork rind loving
programmers will be prohibited from pillaging pork products from
their top desk drawer or heating up smelly leftover pork chops or even
worse, pork ribs, in the microwave forcing you to breathe second-hand
pork. The surgeon general will have to put warnings on all pork
wrappers regarding the dangers of this practice. So sign our
petition today and help stop this carniverous carnage of swine
flesh. If you sign up for our mailing list we will send you a free
bumper sticker "Keep pork where it belongs!"

Thanks for supporting the cause,
Blackie

Half Off

Dear Blackie:
My pal lives in a new town. She has a new townhouse, a new car and a new job. Everything she has is new. She's done everything she said she was going to do. Everything! I can't even yodel or sing harmony on I'll Follow the Sun. Why, I don't even have a dog or a cat or someone to call my own. My question is: do you think she's going to get a new pal, too? I mean, it's only par for the course at this point. I'm wondering if I should prepare for the worst before she goes to trade the old model in.

Signed,

Year End Clearance


Dear 50% off,

Not to worry. That whore couldn't find a new pal if he/she
bounced a quarter off her ass. She may not say nice things to you
very often, but she really does like you. Look at how much fun you
both have and how easily you get along. You are the favorite,
which is easy because you are her only ethnic friend.
Now, let's address this irrational fear and paranoia you have about people
leaving you. You need to take Friday off work, chill a few nice
bottles of wine and get really drunk with your pal on Thursday nite to
discuss this in depth.

Now scram!!

Blackie

iNeed an iDrink and to listen to some iTunes

Dear Blackie:

It's that pesky law student again. I mean, I don't know why we pay him, he is such a loser. He knows nothing about Windows and he thinks SMS is a school in Missouri. He has little regard for the wonderful world of telecom and no regard for Macs -- my two favorite things in the world!

How will he ever become manager of the used to be Desktop Support Group if he doesn't kiss up and wear bow ties? Oh right, he's going to have a law degree. I forgot about that. No place for those guys in this organization since we always do everything by the book.

Why, he can't even dress. His hat makes him look like a five-year old and his shirts are always wrinkled. His friend 'I brusie like a peach' even said so and he is the epitome of well-dressed. Don't you think?

Signed,

I need a drink right now

Dear Sober Sucker,

Am I having a Deja-Vu or have you already sent me this same email once before? Or something very much like it......

At any rate, you are right. He should wear his hair like you and dress in pink. He should live and breathe Mac and Apple and become certified in iHate and iDrink as well as the entire iTunes suite. Forget that stupid SMS stuff, they should call it iCrashOften. As for the defunct Desktop Support group, they are doomed. By the time iSuck gets finished with them, they won't exist at all under any name.

As long as he is pursuing his iSue education, he will be always there helping you understand things like why streaming video must support camera phones. They also need to support iPods, especially the really cool U2 edition.

As for your love of Telecom, you need serious therapy. Those jackasses can't get over themselves and are whining themselves right out of iJobs. They are the losers, if you ask me, which you did, so I am telling you.

That law students shirts are wrinkled, unlike yours because has a life, you know, one of those living, breathing real-world existences? He doesn't concern himself with iRoning, or iJeeps, or iTelecom. The iBruise easily Peach-boy can wear anything and get away with it because he is an entry level employee doing very technical things.

Now leave me alone,

Blackie

Quiet Please

Dear Blackie:
If Dutch doesn't shut his pie hole I'm going to stab him in the tongue with an extremely sharp instrument of telephony.
Signed,

Quiet Please

Dear Entry level person and mere student worker,

I know this is probably much too important and detailed a task for you lower level employees, but perhaps you can struggle through it. You might want to go over to my friend's cube and jabber at her endlessly about non important things. She loves that. She especially loves to hear people complaining about how they are so mistreated and underpaid. While you are there, make sure you ask her lots and lots of really stupid questions about how you can set up your own web site. If you have the tools, you might want to be playing Dave Matthews in the background, she loves Dave Matthews and his distinct percussive style.

Signed,

STFU

Root Canal

Dear Blackie:

Have you ever gotten everything pretty much in order? You know, your Jeep, your desk, your gas tank, your home away from home, your ailing best pal, your ailing best pal's mutt, your crazy mom, your helpless dad, your brother, your niece, your nephew, your jerky ex-roommate, your jerky ex-ex roommate, your Annie Princess, your Joyce, your Tommy, your attorney, your boss, your bosses' assistant, your bosses' favorite, your freaky roommates, your security whores, your lackey law
student, your good witch, your Cute Little Shawn and your external server...only to find you have a root kit on your internal server?

Signed,

CiscohmygodIcantbelievethisfuckingshit

Dear Root Canal,

This has never happened to me personally. I have never gotten my anything in order. The only ex-roommates I have don't speak to me and my crazy best pal doesn't have a mutt. So I can't help you on this one.
I suggest you get your lacky law student and your attorney together so that they can begin litigation, elimination, retribution and exaserbation of the problem. I can tell you however, that root kits are bad. They are not tight or cool in any way and can leave your butt cheeks webbed together, perforate your colon and turn you muslim. Watch out.

Blackie

Unreliable Pal

Dear Blackie:

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. See, my pal who lives two
hours away is fucked up. Seriously. This has been going on for a while
but, me being the considerate reader I am, I haven't wanted to burden
you with my problems. Besides, I'm in the middle of a home purchase with
my team of realtors and attorneys.

Anyway, my pal. Well, what can I say? She has been fucked up since
approximately August 1, 1958, but that is not my problem, it's hers. The
thing is, now that she's pressing up against her 50s, she's got all of
these health problems! Geez. I don't know why she can't be more like me,
I'm so normal and beautiful it's sickening. Anyway. Her thyroid is more
volatile than whatever idiotic story the TFF can come up with next. I
just don't know what to do, really.

But that's really not the problem.

The problem I really have is my pal thinks I plan my life around her
comings and goings. Like I would do such a thing for a friend! Really! I
mean, this person is NOTORIOUS for saying she's going to "drop by" or
"call" or "come for the weekend." Whatthehellever. She never shows up
bceause she's always got a pathetic excuse--most recently her
thyroid--but she had stupid ones before she was sick. Basically she
hates everyone and I know this so it's no big deal. But anyway. Like I
would plan my day around her. Does she think she warrants that kind of
behavior? Miss I Ought To Be A Travel Agent Because I Can Plan and Plan
and Never Have To Show Up? Be real.

How can I tell this person to stick it?

Signed,

Thyroid Thandie

Dear Idiot,

Here is what you do. Don't answer your phone when you know it is that jackass calling. Tell her you are coming to visit and then make up some lame excuse and don't show. Then, when you do show up, howl with her dog until you get her kicked out of her fabulous townhouse. When she tries to come live with you in your new custom built home, pretend you don't know her. Soon your "pal" will get the hint and will figure out that the world doesn't stop just because her thyroid blows up and she feels like hurling herself off the on-ramp to I-64 and plummetting to her death. If you are lucky, she will do just that and you won't have to put up with her shit anymore. The last good thing she did was give birth to your realtor. Its all about you, asshole.

Now scram!!!!

Blackie

Form Letter Fun

Dear Blackie:

Being the astute language scholar that I am -- I have a degree in
English literature and creative writing after all -- I must admit there
are several American literary habits that give me pause.

Take, for instance, the form letter. Now, I am not a fan of the form
letter in any way. I firmly believe one should be a bit more personal
via written communique. You know those Christmas cards you receive that
are mailed en masse with no signature whatsoever? Those are form
letters. I don't know why the person doesn't take the time to write:

Dear Jules: It's Christmastime. Why don't you take a large bite out of
my asshole? Thanks in advance. Hope it was tasty.

I mean, really, it would be a little more substantial, don't you think?
At least the writer here shows a bit of emotion in conjunction with the
printed stick figure of an old, withered Missouri snowman.

But what really gets me is when you "accidentally" receive a form letter
from a place where you're planning to spend or have spent a large amount
of money. I mean, who thinks it is a good idea to treat customers this
way? I would prefer:

Dear Jules: Greetings from CarLand. We invite you to bring
your big rig in for a significantly overpriced oil change where we're
going to tell you what kind of oil, filter and washer fluid you can use.
You also get to wait an hour in our stuffy, greasy lobby, where all of
the mechanics traipse through and stare at your tits. After all, you
don't want your big, bad Jeep to fall apart in a hailstorm, now do we?

Or something like this:

Dear Jules: My boss hasn't even processed your housing loan yet but I'm
going to waste 37 cents to tell you you're not qualified even though
your credit score is 50 times my IQ. We look forward to having you as a
customer. God bless PMI!

I tell you, THESE are the new form letters. I think I will blog them and
let my faithful readers copy and paste them for their own use.

My question to you is: do you think I will ever have great hair like my
realtor?

Signed,

Formerly Form-Lettered


Dear Write-Off,

We regret to inform you that you are a nitpicky bitch. If you think that every business person in the world is going to take their personal time to hold your hand and wipe your ass for you every time you threaten to do business with them, you are mistaken. People are busy.

Just because your realtor takes extra time with you, you shouldn't get all uppity about it. She only does it because her mother has told her that you are borderline Autistic and need to be sheltered. Otherwise she would be sending you a form letter telling you to fuck straight off and quit wasting her time. I've seen the letters. She stamps those fuckers out by the thousands every day. All the while having great hair and beautiful smile and a personality that you can only hope for.

Just because you buy a heep or fool yourself into thinking you might actually be a homeowner some day, you think the business should shut down and they should hold a goddam parade in your fucking honor. Get real!!!!

So why don't you take your little English degree and go write speeches for that dumb-ass leader of the free world and get off my back.

By the way, Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.

Shove off!!!

Blackie

Hefty Helga

To get started, let's have a few from the archives, a sort of "best of"


Dear Blackie:

You know, we Smithtons really like to eat. We plan meals and trips
around meals and voyages to restaurants. We pack sneacks and treats and
coolers full of goodies. We eat food at home and at the cafe and on the
road. We find fattening recipes to make and we use ingredients like
heavy cream and salted butter and sharp fucking cheddar, just to name a few.

So lately, I've been riding my bike because, being a Smithton, the
pounds tend to stay around like old friends. It would be nice to be able
to get rid of them but, alas, when you try, they call Tammy.

My question is: do you think I will ever have a viable quarter-bouncing ass?

Signed,

Hefty Helga


Dear Fatso,

Quarters are more likely to fly out of your ass then be bounced off of them. You think someone gets an ass like that just by wishing for one? It takes years of toning and sculpting and tender loving care to create an ass that will bounce quarters. Why don't you get a real goal? Why don't you try to find a decent job with a boss that appreciates you? Why don't you move to a city where someone like Bruce Springsteen might actually come to perform? Why don't you move closer to your friend that you love but are not attracted to? Leave the quarter bouncing to the pros.

Blackie

dearblackie

dearblackie

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. You see, my friends are all very technologically savvy and they create great web sites. My beautiful kid even creates virtual tours and flash on her website. So with all of this going on around me I feel impelled to start writing a blog. The problem is that most of what I want to say is not fit to print. People tell me all the time they don't give a shit what I think and they never listen to me, so why should I put it out on the Internets for all to ridicule me? Why do I open myself up to this kind of abuse and criticism? Is this my fifteen minutes of fame?

Signed,
Mother T