Unreliable Pal

Dear Blackie:

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. See, my pal who lives two
hours away is fucked up. Seriously. This has been going on for a while
but, me being the considerate reader I am, I haven't wanted to burden
you with my problems. Besides, I'm in the middle of a home purchase with
my team of realtors and attorneys.

Anyway, my pal. Well, what can I say? She has been fucked up since
approximately August 1, 1958, but that is not my problem, it's hers. The
thing is, now that she's pressing up against her 50s, she's got all of
these health problems! Geez. I don't know why she can't be more like me,
I'm so normal and beautiful it's sickening. Anyway. Her thyroid is more
volatile than whatever idiotic story the TFF can come up with next. I
just don't know what to do, really.

But that's really not the problem.

The problem I really have is my pal thinks I plan my life around her
comings and goings. Like I would do such a thing for a friend! Really! I
mean, this person is NOTORIOUS for saying she's going to "drop by" or
"call" or "come for the weekend." Whatthehellever. She never shows up
bceause she's always got a pathetic excuse--most recently her
thyroid--but she had stupid ones before she was sick. Basically she
hates everyone and I know this so it's no big deal. But anyway. Like I
would plan my day around her. Does she think she warrants that kind of
behavior? Miss I Ought To Be A Travel Agent Because I Can Plan and Plan
and Never Have To Show Up? Be real.

How can I tell this person to stick it?

Signed,

Thyroid Thandie

Dear Idiot,

Here is what you do. Don't answer your phone when you know it is that jackass calling. Tell her you are coming to visit and then make up some lame excuse and don't show. Then, when you do show up, howl with her dog until you get her kicked out of her fabulous townhouse. When she tries to come live with you in your new custom built home, pretend you don't know her. Soon your "pal" will get the hint and will figure out that the world doesn't stop just because her thyroid blows up and she feels like hurling herself off the on-ramp to I-64 and plummetting to her death. If you are lucky, she will do just that and you won't have to put up with her shit anymore. The last good thing she did was give birth to your realtor. Its all about you, asshole.

Now scram!!!!

Blackie