Piercing Pals

Dear Blackie:
Well, it's that pesky DS again. I mean, it's not enough
that she sports the required number of holes for induction in the
sponge family. I think she's sprung a leak or something. I think she
has a huge motherfucking hole in her head because for some reason,
I can't get her to go to lunch with me. I mean, I can barely get her to
LAUGH much less leave the building. She keeps her nose pressed in the
CenturyHel directory and occasionally takes enough of a break to
taste her new jar of Wasabi mustard. Otherwise, she's completely off
limits. Why, I don't even think the disemboweled, virus-ridden, wicked witch
of the first floor even comes to see her anymore. My question is: do
you think she won't go in public with me because of my appearance?
Maybe two grey shirts in one day is just too much.

Signed,

Swiss Fucking Cheese

Dear SFC,

Maybe your pal isn't hungry. Maybe she gets all the
sustenance she needs from her REAL friends who don't
accuse her of being related to SpongeBob. Maybe you intimidate
her. Maybe you should invite her someplace good like that New York
Deli. Maybe she can't laugh because she works for Mary
Poppins. It doesn't matter that you have twenty five years experience
wearing gray shirts, she still doesn't like gray. Its a gray day,
maybe she can't find you because you blend in with the rain and
grayness. Maybe she just doesn't want to feel your grayness all around
her. Maybe she can't eat before her piercing appointment this
afternoon for fear of leakage. Take your pick of reasons, and scram.

Love,

Blackie