Hefty Helga

To get started, let's have a few from the archives, a sort of "best of"


Dear Blackie:

You know, we Smithtons really like to eat. We plan meals and trips
around meals and voyages to restaurants. We pack sneacks and treats and
coolers full of goodies. We eat food at home and at the cafe and on the
road. We find fattening recipes to make and we use ingredients like
heavy cream and salted butter and sharp fucking cheddar, just to name a few.

So lately, I've been riding my bike because, being a Smithton, the
pounds tend to stay around like old friends. It would be nice to be able
to get rid of them but, alas, when you try, they call Tammy.

My question is: do you think I will ever have a viable quarter-bouncing ass?

Signed,

Hefty Helga


Dear Fatso,

Quarters are more likely to fly out of your ass then be bounced off of them. You think someone gets an ass like that just by wishing for one? It takes years of toning and sculpting and tender loving care to create an ass that will bounce quarters. Why don't you get a real goal? Why don't you try to find a decent job with a boss that appreciates you? Why don't you move to a city where someone like Bruce Springsteen might actually come to perform? Why don't you move closer to your friend that you love but are not attracted to? Leave the quarter bouncing to the pros.

Blackie