Form Letter Fun

Dear Blackie:

Being the astute language scholar that I am -- I have a degree in
English literature and creative writing after all -- I must admit there
are several American literary habits that give me pause.

Take, for instance, the form letter. Now, I am not a fan of the form
letter in any way. I firmly believe one should be a bit more personal
via written communique. You know those Christmas cards you receive that
are mailed en masse with no signature whatsoever? Those are form
letters. I don't know why the person doesn't take the time to write:

Dear Jules: It's Christmastime. Why don't you take a large bite out of
my asshole? Thanks in advance. Hope it was tasty.

I mean, really, it would be a little more substantial, don't you think?
At least the writer here shows a bit of emotion in conjunction with the
printed stick figure of an old, withered Missouri snowman.

But what really gets me is when you "accidentally" receive a form letter
from a place where you're planning to spend or have spent a large amount
of money. I mean, who thinks it is a good idea to treat customers this
way? I would prefer:

Dear Jules: Greetings from CarLand. We invite you to bring
your big rig in for a significantly overpriced oil change where we're
going to tell you what kind of oil, filter and washer fluid you can use.
You also get to wait an hour in our stuffy, greasy lobby, where all of
the mechanics traipse through and stare at your tits. After all, you
don't want your big, bad Jeep to fall apart in a hailstorm, now do we?

Or something like this:

Dear Jules: My boss hasn't even processed your housing loan yet but I'm
going to waste 37 cents to tell you you're not qualified even though
your credit score is 50 times my IQ. We look forward to having you as a
customer. God bless PMI!

I tell you, THESE are the new form letters. I think I will blog them and
let my faithful readers copy and paste them for their own use.

My question to you is: do you think I will ever have great hair like my
realtor?

Signed,

Formerly Form-Lettered


Dear Write-Off,

We regret to inform you that you are a nitpicky bitch. If you think that every business person in the world is going to take their personal time to hold your hand and wipe your ass for you every time you threaten to do business with them, you are mistaken. People are busy.

Just because your realtor takes extra time with you, you shouldn't get all uppity about it. She only does it because her mother has told her that you are borderline Autistic and need to be sheltered. Otherwise she would be sending you a form letter telling you to fuck straight off and quit wasting her time. I've seen the letters. She stamps those fuckers out by the thousands every day. All the while having great hair and beautiful smile and a personality that you can only hope for.

Just because you buy a heep or fool yourself into thinking you might actually be a homeowner some day, you think the business should shut down and they should hold a goddam parade in your fucking honor. Get real!!!!

So why don't you take your little English degree and go write speeches for that dumb-ass leader of the free world and get off my back.

By the way, Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.

Shove off!!!

Blackie